Description
In this section of our series we have been discovering the need to realign our priorities in order to have renewed hope and meaning in our lives. In the final episode of the Section, we will be considering the important area of our relationships. Are we giving our best time to the most important people in our lives? Of course this should be a priority throughout our lives, but during this season of life it is even more critical that we take an inventory of our relationships in order that we may prioritize those who we are running our final leg of the race with.
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Video Script
Episode 13 Intro: Renewed Relationships
In this section of our series we have been discovering the need to realign our priorities in order to have renewed hope and meaning in our lives. In the final episode of the Section, we will be considering the important area of our relationships. Are we giving our best time to the most important people in our lives? Of course this should be a priority throughout our lives, but during this season of life it is even more critical that we take an inventory of our relationships in order that we may prioritize those who we are running our final leg of the race with.
Our Relational Priorities
It may seem kind of “cold” to speak about prioritizing who are the most important people in our lives, but the reality is that every one of us only have 24 hours in a day, 7 days a week. None of us have an unlimited emotional and physical capacity to give as much as we want to everyone. Consequently, choices have to be made.
If I was to ask you to make a list of the top 5-10 people in your life, would that be an easy or difficult task? Perhaps I can help you by putting it this way, “Who in your life could you not live without and who in your life could not live without you? This may help narrow it down.
Over a lifetime of busyness we have often neglected the most important people in our lives. Instead we have spent our best time with those who are now no longer in our lives or didn’t really care to have a close relationship with us. If we have not done so up to this point in our lives, as the runway of our life shortens, it is crucial we do this now. As I mentioned, due to limited time and energy choices have to be made. There may be many in our lives who it would be nice to spend time with, but who in all reality will be just fine without us.
I read somewhere that we need to begin to prioritize our relationships according to who will cry at our funeral! Okay that may be an oversimplification as that list for many of us may be quite small. But seriously, at some point when it comes to our relationships we need to distinguish between distractions and opportunities. When we were younger we could afford to take every opportunity that came our way, but as we age we need to be more discerning and realize that some “opportunities” are just distractions from us finishing our race.
Our calling and our priorities are what will determine if a relationship is a distraction or an opportunity. Do you have people in your life that actually distract you from your calling and what you know God still wants you to do in life? Now I know this can sound a bit cold or analytical, but until we get to heaven we do not have unlimited time and energy. Even Jesus when he walked this earth prioritized his relationships. The disciples got more of his time than those he taught and his distracters got even less of his time. So while we want to be open to all those that God bring along our path, it is obviously we cannot be all things to all people.
During this final season of our journey, we typically don’t have the same obligations and roles we had when we were younger and so we have greater freedom to chose what we do and who we do it with. At this stage we will also likely have more time and resources than we had earlier in our life and ministry. This means that we can realign our priorities in relation to God, our spouse, our children/grandchildren, our friendships, finances, health, and our ministry or service to others.
I’ve spent a lifetime encouraging and motivating leaders – well everyone actually – to mentor and invest in others, as this is the guaranteed way to leave a legacy. If you have been doing this over the decades it will now be easier to allow others to take more responsibility. Are we willing to decrease so that others can increase? Now I don’t mean we need to stop doing everything, but merely change our focus. It is never too late to begin to mentor and coach others, particularly as we now may have the time to do so. There is no time expiration limit on mentoring others, we can do this until our very last breath.
As we saw in our last episode, Jesus tells Peter in John 21:18 that regardless of his ambition, a day would come when he would have less control and need to be taken care of by others. Though he had a task to do, one day he would have to deal with the reality that life had shifted and Jesus was preparing him to deal with that new reality. As Peter, we too need to prepare for that day.
Before we continue why not take some time to Study Jesus’ encounter with Peter in John 21. What do you think he is trying to teach him? How is this applicable in your situation?
What relationships are your priorities? Make a list of your network of relationships and prayerfully evaluate if you have the right people prioritized. Are there relationships you will have to let go or at least give less of your time moving forward?
Relational Reconciliation
A lifetime of living will inevitably result in certain relationships that will require extra effort and attention during this season of our life. It is unlikely that we are completely unscathed from relational messiness. That is just the results of misunderstandings and hurts mixed with varied personality and competing values. In Matt. 5:23-24 Jesus tells us to take the initiative to make peace in each of a relationships. He says, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”
Regardless of who was right or wrong, we can take the initiative to take responsibility for our part of any conflict or disagreement. As we know, relational offences tend to build up over many years. The first step is to communicate and begin listening to each other, without assigning guilt or motives on the other person. Being repentant and taking responsibility for our part of the misunderstanding is the next step. Finally, we then need to ask for forgiveness. (Lk. 17:4)
In this process it is important to provide the offended party with the opportunity to express their hurt, anger and pain. We must then be committed to change. Forgiveness is the only way relationships are healed. In Matthew 6: 14-15 Jesus reminds us that “if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
However, if the hurt is deep and has occurred over a long period of time, it may require perseverance and having the patience to wait for the right time to reconcile. And we have to be honest, full reconciliation is not always possible. Scripture tells us that “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Rom. 12:18). This seems to indicate that it is not always possible, the sad fact of the matter is that sometimes people don’t want to be reconciled.
As the graph shows on the right side, when forgiveness is offered, the offender has a choice. If they repent then there can be relational reconciliation. However if they do not, then we sometimes have to set boundaries and be content with personal resolution, in other words, we can still move forward without condemnation if we have done our part. Even if they don’t want reconciliation, we can move on with God’s peace and leave the rest with him. We can release ourselves from the bitterness and anger by forgiving them, that is our responsibility. But we are not responsible for their response, this is between them and God. For our part we can move on with a free heart, knowing we carry no anger, resentment or bitterness towards them.
Holding a grudge will only harm us and not them. This explains why it is important to forgive those who have hurt us who may not longer even be alive. We can still make peace with them by forgiving them in our heart. Forgiveness is always possible, however reconciliation depends upon the other person receiving our apology and wanting a relationship. God forgives us and provides us a path to move forward free from guilt and condemnation, regardless of how they respond.
Are there relationships you need to give some attention, either by asking forgiveness or extending forgiveness to others? Have you done your best to live at peace with all people? Are you able to move forward without condemnation in every one of your relationships?
The First Team
As we wrap up this episode on renewing our relationships during this season of life, I would like to make a few comments regarding what I call the First Team, or our marriage relationship. Now I understand that at this point some of us may have already gone through the grief of losing a spouse or may be in a new blended family situation. But I think these principles will apply in various contexts. Again, this is just a few comments and if you want to see our complete marriage teaching, The First Team you can get that at our website or listen to our podcast by the same name.
The stresses of a lifetime of ministry on a marriage should not be underestimated. As I mentioned last time, we were married in 1982, but regardless of how long we have been married, we will have to continue to be intentional in order to have a fulfilling marriage right into our old age. Even if we do not have the ideal situation, it is never too late to improve our marriage. For those who are single again, through the death of a spouse or divorce, God is always the God of second chances and will continue to care for our needs.
While there are many reasons why marriages dissolve, there are ways that we can keep it strong throughout the seasons of life. Some like to focus on the passage in Ephesians 5 of “wives submitting” in marriage. However, verse 21 lays a foundation for the following verses and it says that we are to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” This is a mandate for both the wife and the husband (and all of us, including leaders). The relationships in the body are to be completely different than what we see around us. No one is to dominate the other. This is key to a thriving lifelong marriage. I don’t have time to get into this here, but in our First Team material we spend a whole chapter on God’s intentional design for male/female relationships. You might want to look that up.
This season of life can be a challenging one for a marriage as our youthful vow to stay together “in sickness or in health” will likely be tested during this time. We will likely have the opportunity to offer the same grace to our spouse that we require during this latter season of life. As we redefine our life individually and as a couple during this last third of the journey, any unresolved issues are usually magnified. Yet this can also be the best time of the marriage as we are the most comfortable with our spouse. During this season we can reap the reward of all the investment we made in the relationship through the difficult years. This happens as we accept each other for who we are and who we have become by this stage of life.
As both of our lives are changing, we will have to define our new vision of the future together.Without children to raise, and perhaps no longer focused on a career or ministry, what will be our priorities? What will give us meaning as a couple? As this is a time of transition in every other area of our lives, it is also a time of transition in our marriage as we together redefine God’s purpose for us as a couple moving into the final season of life.
As we age, each spouse is typically feeling more vulnerable as they begin to recognize their limitations. As husbands, if we have been too busy with ministry and not taken the time to nurture our wives, this is an opportunity to do this in a more intentional manner. It is never too late to begin to do the right things. Even if our marriage has sustained damage over the years, it can recover. Statistic show that couples tend to be happiest in their marriage in the latter stages of life, as there is usually more time for each other and less distractions.
How is your marriage doing? Take some time with your spouse to discuss the issues raised by this section. Allow each other the time to describe areas of strength and areas of weakness they may feel and strategies to improve the relationship moving forward.
Well we have covered quite a bit of ground in the last five episodes of the Third Section of our series. It was all about renewal – the need for renewed meaning in our lives, renewed hope for the future, renewing our priorities and renewing our spiritual life. Finally, in this episode we have discussed the importance of re-evaluating our priorities when it comes to our relationships. In our final episodes we are going to discuss what success looks like during this season and how to form a new vision so that we can leave a legacy. I am looking forward to sharing these principles with you and hope you’ll be able to join me for the last few episodes.