Description
You likely know people who have made sucking on the lemons of life an art form, they are the bitter, grumpy people in our lives. Of course we also know people who seem to get sweeter by the year, they are the ones who are full of grace and kindness. Somehow, they took those same bitter lemons in life and made lemonade. Why do some people become better with age and others just become bitter? In this episode we will see that it is not so much what happens to us, but how we respond to the circumstances of our lives.
If you find the content of this episode useful, it would really help us reach more people if you click the Like and Subscribe for this episode on Youtube.
Check out our full list of Finishing the Race videos.
To view all of our series, visit our LEADERSHIPmatters Podcast page.
Podcast Resources
Listeners of this Leadershipmatters podcast may want to download the “Finishing the Race” workbook. If you would like any of our other materials go to our Resources page. These are available in several languages.
Consider Helping
The majority of our work training new leaders in the church is international. In many cases, they cannot afford the material themselves. Please considering helping us reach those who can’t afford the resources by donating today.
Video Script
Episode 15 Intro: Becoming Better not Bitter
You likely know people who have made sucking on the lemons of life an art form, they are the bitter, grumpy people in our lives. Of course we also know people who seem to get sweeter by the year, they are the ones who are full of grace and kindness. Somehow, they took those same bitter lemons in life and made lemonade. Why do some people become better with age and others just become bitter? In this episode we will see that it is not so much what happens to us, but how we respond to the circumstances of our lives.
Who we Are: Our Character
Throughout a lifetime we all have a wide range of experiences. Joy from many positive ones, interspersed with our fair share of negative, painful ones. When we start our journey we have no control over how many of each we will have or exactly what direction our life will take. Of course when we are young we thought we are the masters of our fate and in control, but later on life we come to realize that ultimately this is not the case. People typically attribute the various events in their life to either God directing their path or just the universe dishing out random coincidences. But whatever one’s worldview, we probably have less control over events than we once imagined in our youth.
As believers, we know that God has been guiding our lives all along. Paul reminds us in Romans of what God’s real purpose is even the painful experiences of life, “. . .but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” (Rom. 5:3-4). Since life happens to all of us, what is the difference between becoming better or bitter? Why does suffering produce hope in some and despair in others? Paul had a perspective that allowed him to see even suffering as a means to becoming more Christ-like. With the right attitude, we too can resist the tendency to become bitter as we age.
Who will you Become?
I think we can ask ourselves some questions that will help us move towards being that kind, gracious older person we aspire to, rather than that jaded and cynical person.
The first of these question is, Who are we really trying to please? Are we still trying to get approval and acceptance from others, or from God? It’s amazing how many of us have a parent’s voice in our heads that we are trying to please, long after they are gone and we are well into our own golden years. Only as we rest in God and apply the principles we have looked at in this series can we be content with where we are at, knowing that finishing our race means only fulfilling the calling that God has on our lives, not the expectations others may have for us.
I think it may also be helpful to ask ourselves, What needs are we still trying to meet and what bitter feelings are we still hanging on to? Have we become a victim, blaming others for the injustices of life that have befallen us? We will never become that better person by laying all our problems at the feet of others. It is only as we bring our needs and insecurities to Jesus and receive forgiveness that we can move on. This will mean we have to develop new patterns of thinking and behaving. Our past does not need to define our future. Joseph was a good example of this when he revealed himself to his brothers and did not blame them for his circumstances, but rather comforted them and spoke kindly to them (Gen 50:19-21). If anybody had reason to be bitter, it would have been Joseph. Regardless of what life had dealt him, he responded with forgiveness and mercy. So can we.
Another key question to evaluate if we will become better or bitter is, Are we still in competition with something or someone? Continuing to compare ourselves, what we have done, or even our ministry only produces the negative fruit of rivalry, envy, and jealousy. As we read in Galatians, “Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other .”( Gal. 5:26). Allowing this to take root will mean that we will become that grumpy old man one day – okay I don’t want the ladies to feel left out — there are also a few grumpy older women around, though my guess is probably not quite as many! If we release ourselves from the expectation we have placed on ourselves or from the regrets over what could have been, we will be well on our way to becoming that better person.
Another challenging question is to determine, What rewards have we been seeking? Well as we enter this final season of life, we may find ourselves dealing with the emotions of frustration or even anger that the benefits we thought would come our way from a lifetime of serving God have not materialized. These could be in the area of financial compensation, but could also include feeling that our sacrifices have not been compensated by the Lord in other areas. Perhaps a better life, a better marriage/family, a more fulfilling career or ministry, you can fill in the blank. At some point though we will have to accept the way things are and come to terms with what our real expectations out of life were. Proverbs reminds us that, “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” (Prov. 14:30)
Unfulfilled expectations in this area, are often expressed in anger to the Lord, perhaps outwardly, but more likely we will internalize these feelings. What this does over time is harden our hearts and limit our relationship with God. Perhaps this is what Peter was thinking when he said, “we have left everything, what then is there going to be for us?” (Mark 10:21) We often don’t put this into words, but have you ever thought this? Spoiler alert: You are not alone. It is so easy to become like the elder brother in Jesus parable of the prodigal son. He never left his father’s house, but was resentful that his faithfulness had not been rewarded in the way he thought it should have been.
To get rid of cynicism and bitterness we will have to be honest and come clean with the Lord. Ultimately trusting him that he has been guiding our lives. I think we also need to acknowledge that the books don’t always balance this side of eternity. If we expect everything to make sense and the ledger to completely balance out on this earth, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and disillusionment. For most of us questions will remain, some pains will be unresolveable, so we will have to make a choice. Will we trust that God is in control of our lives and that one day what doesn’t make sense now he will explain to us? I would suggest this is the only healthy way forward.
As we go to a break, Can you relate to any of these questions? What would you need to do in order to increase your better quotient and not your bitter one? Do you really trust that God has been leading your life and will continue to do so?
Becoming Better not Bitter
We have been looking as some questions that can help us evaluate the likelihood that we will either become better or bitter as we age. A particularly challenging question to ask ourselves is, Is there any guilt or shame that we are covering up in our lives? Have we covered up things over the years that have been eating at our hearts like a cancer? It took King David a year to come clean, but he eventually prays, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any W One year is bad enough, but if we hold on to guilt for years, it can build up in our hearts to the point that it can hinder us from moving forward. Without the same attitude as David we will not be able to keep the faith and finish the race.
Here is a final question. What are the values that inform and drive our convictions? As we age we will continue to be tested to see if we remain committed to having a servant attitude or if, with our greater wisdom and experience, we feel we have earned the right to be served by others. We must regularly examine ourselves to evaluate our values in this area. Living our lives based on biblical values will enable us to remain humble and gracious, rather than bitter towards how life or others have treated us. James writes, “Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. (James 3:13-16) Okay, James was never one for pulling punches, and so I think his point is pretty clear. True wisdom is exercising humility, not showing everyone how great we think we are.
Just before we wrap up this episode let’s Consider each of these questions and apply them to your own life and situation. What have you learned about yourself and changes you may need to make in order to run your race and finish your course?
Moving Forward
We have been looking at a few questions that can help us evaluate our own character so that we will not become bitter through the course of our lives. What do we do when we detect that our character is not what it should be and perhaps that we have violated some of our own values and convictions? I think the beginning point is to refocus on God as our source and allow him to do his work in our hearts. Are we empty enough for him to fill? Are we open to being vulnerable during this season so that in our weakness we will be able to experience his strength?
After evaluating our fundamental orientation and motivation, the next step is to then establish boundaries and life patterns that will guide us in our journey. These are typically in the areas we have already discussed, such as our physical life, relationships, mental health, finances, leisure, and spiritual disciplines. The process begins by re-digging those spiritual wells that will facilitate our relationship with him. During this process past regrets and resentments may be triggered, things that we thought we had dealt with. If this is the case, we can allow the Lord to do that inner work by his Spirit so that we can move on and become better rather than bitter.
Take some time to evaluate your own heart, your values and any issues not dealt with from the past. What steps do you need to take to help you move forward in this stage of your life?
Life Roles
As we conclude this episode, allow me to make a few more comments regarding life roles during this season. As we age we typically have greater choice in the roles we have in life. In the last third we will need to choose if we will continue in the roles thrust upon us or if we will choose to reject roles based on power and position and instead be involved in pursuing significance.
At this point there are a couple options. We can use our own experience and position to increase our own reputation or we can live a life of authenticity, rather than one based on position and power. The passage in Phil. 2 that we have looked at several times comes to mind. We are challenged to have the mindset of Christ, the nature of a servant, rather than functioning out of selfish ambition. In humility valuing others above ourselves. Jesus is our model. If we have not done so up to this point, to finish the race well we need to return to a servant leadership model.
During this season, we have the opportunity to re-evaluate what “success” is and who we really are. Jesus was making this point to Peter at that post-resurrection breakfast along the Sea of Galilee. The fact of the matter is, as we age our limitations often force humility upon us, yet it is much healthier (and easier in the long run) if we humble ourselves and accept our new role. Authenticity in life and ministry can only be rediscovered by spending time with the Master and allowing his Spirit to fill us with humility and grace. It’s exhausting trying to be perfect or having it all together, so why not take up his offer to humble ourselves. You might be amazed at how freeing that really is.
As we conclude, here are a few final thoughts to consider, As we look back over your life and ministry, were we driven by power and position or were we a humble servant leader? What steps can you take to live authentically so that you will become better not bitter.
Well I know I have asked a lot of questions in this episode. They may have been coming so fast and furious that you may need to go back and digest them in more bite-sized pieces. To help you do that we have offered the materials on our website so that you go through the workbook offline and read all the Scriptures referenced. I have discovered that this material is best implemented as a personal study and reflects the process I went through as I was transitioning to this latter stage of life. Next time we will dig a bit deeper into our mission, our life-purpose, calling, our vision and our goals for the future. I think you will find it helpful and so I hope you’ll join me.