Episode 10: A Mentoring Model

Video

Description

There are three components to the Mentoring thru Intentional Relationships model: The Connection, The Content, and the Cohort. In this episode Phil provides some more practical suggestions for the mentoring relationship, such as clarifying expectations, how often to meet and what to discuss, some of the necessary boundaries in the relationship and the need to periodically evaluate the relationship. He also concludes his interview with Karl, who he first mentored in the early 2000s and who is now on the Ministry Coaching Network (MCNet) team. Finally, he discusses the Cohort, or small group, which can be a helpful addition to the one-on-one relationship if someone is mentoring several people at the same time.

If you find the content of this episode useful, it would really help us reach more people if you click the Like and Subscribe for this episode on Youtube.

Check out our full list of Mentoring Intelligence videos.

To view all of our series, visit our LEADERSHIPmatters Podcast page.

Get the Resources

Listeners of our LEADERSHIPmatters podcasts have exclusive access to our free bonus leadership materials. For this series these include our MQ Assessments, our Servant Leadership Assessment, as well as the Developing Others Workshops. These are available in several languages and can be downloaded here:

Get exclusive access to free Workshop Notes and Mentoring Assessments

For other valuable mentoring resources

If you would like to purchase Phil’s  Mentoring Intelligence Book and the Workbook which covers this topic in more detail or the Mentoring thru Intentional Relationships Guides which are a tool to actually help you mentor someone, check out our Resources page. These are available in several languages.

Consider Helping

The majority of our work training new leaders in the church is international. In many cases, they cannot afford the material themselves. Please considering helping us reach those who can’t afford the resources by donating today.

Video Script

Episode 10: New Wineskins Needed

In the last episode we offered some thoughts about how to find a mentor, as well as introducing a Mentoring model that many have found helpful. Without a structure or some tangible actions to facilitate the relationship, my experience has been that many will not know where to start or how keep the relationship on track. Today we will discuss two more aspects of this model: The Connection or one-on-one relationship, and the Cohort, or accountability group.

Clarifying Expectations

As we know, in all relationships it is important to consider and discuss the expectations each person has in the relationship.  For the mentoring relationship, we need to discuss the following questions: How often will we meet? How will we handle confidential matters? How often will we evaluate the relationship? What particular areas are they wanting to grow in (as mentoree)? What do we particularly feel we have to offer (as mentor)?

Some of these seem rather obvious, but I have found they are very important to articulate in one of the first meetings together. For example, it is important to determine the degree of accountability desired by mentoree ahead of time. Also do determine how often we will meet. As we have mentioned, it is important to have regular times of re-evaluating the relationship to ask,  How is it going? Are you achieving your goals? What do we need to change? and so on.

Duration and Frequency

This one-on-one relationship is focussed, but at the same time it should be informal. It should not be a lecture or even a formalized teaching time. It is a conversation around specific topics with the focus of life application. Last time we looked at the Content of the Guides and I mentioned that I use the discussion questions to lead the conversation in the direction that the mentoree wants and needs to grow. The same chapter can produce a different emphasis depending upon the person being mentored.

In determining how often and how long to meet, we need to be realistic. Meeting every day is likely unrealistic, meeting once every six months, probably not enough. Our experience over the years has been that most people using our mentoring model meet once a week or once every two weeks. The challenge is to keep the relationship fresh and not let it stagnate. To do this, you can do related activities together and follow up issues that arise from the readings.

Boundaries in the Relationship

Without some boundaries, the danger of these intense types of relationships is that they can spiral downward into an unhealthy relationship if we are not careful. From the mentor’s perspective, it is important to remember that we are not the boss or resident expert. So I try to never give direct answers or advice, I am not trying to create a following or yes men, someone dependent on me like what happened in the Shepherding Movement.  I want someone that I am mentoring to become more dependent on Christ, not me. I am merely in their life for a time, to serve them as they grow.

Additionally, it is never justified to be overbearing and controlling and to overstep the permission a mentoree has given me in their life. Maintaining this boundary preserves the principle of mutual respect and equality in the Body. Lording authority or position over someone is never godly or particularly helpful to their growth. Fear and coercion can produce outward obedience or compliance, but never true spiritual growth that lasts. That requires being an example and laying down our own life and seeing this reproduced in others. The agenda for the relationship should be driven by the needs of the mentoree.

Periodic Evaluation

As mentioned, periodic evaluation is essential in maintaining a healthy mentoring relationship. Over time the our life situation changes and so the relationship will likely also need to change. We will see in a later episode that all mentoring relationships go through phases and so we have to be aware of that and change how we relate with each other as the dynamics of the relationship change over time.

So every three months or so I will typically have a conservation that goes something like this, “So, how are things going? Are we addressing the issues you want to address? Do we need to make a change in frequency or duration of our meetings?” and so on. What this does, is provide the mentor the opportunity to address if the mentoree is no longer growing for whatever reason. It might be legitimate reasons due to a change in their life…..you know, the dog died, house burned down, wife just gave birth to triplets, that’s going to change things. Or it could be that they have just lost their motivation or have reached their capacity for change at this point. Now that they see what is going to take to be a leader, they may not want to pay the price for change. Seeing a cross when you are thinking leadership is about a crown can be rather sobering and takes some adjustment to say the least.

Concluding Well

If this latter situation is the case, then having such an intentional structure serves the purpose of focussing the relationship and the way forward, rather than just aimlessly meeting and hoping things get better. That is why I have these periodic evaluation typically every three chapters/months. As a mentor I am giving my best time to this person and so at times I may have to say, “Hey, let’s take a break for now and revisit getting together in six month” or whatever timeframe you think appropriate. What this does is free up my best time to spend with others that I am mentoring or freeing up some time to begin to mentor someone who actually wants to grow and move forward in their life.

However, what it also does, is not create a situation where the person I am mentoring feels like a failure. I do not want to further discourage them, but rather provide them a breather to reconsider if they want to continue. Again, this is a specific type of relationship to help someone grow in leadership. We want to create the conditions whereby we can conclude well in the relationship. Without specific evaluation, the relationship often will reach a plateau or just fizzle out. This usually leaves a bad taste in everyone mouth and cures us from ever wanting such a relationship in the future.

So, it’s important to make changes if necessary and not leave things unsaid so that the relationship doesn’t drift. In a future episode we will discuss the stages of a mentoring relationship and one of these options is the development of a ongoing peer relationship. This is actually what happened in Karl’s case. On the other side of the break I’ll continue by finishing my conversation with him.

Interview with Karl Continued

In Episode 8 I began a conversation with Karl, one of the first guys I mentored in the early 2000s in Berlin using this model. Let’s finish my discussion with him now.

[Phil] It’s great talking to you again and you know, we’ve been talking in this series about servant leadership and how that’s such a foundation to a mentoring relationship. If you believe in power structured leadership, it’s likely you’re not going to mentor anybody right? Why would you want to help someone get beyond you, but like what have you seen about the servant leader model and how has that impacted your mentoring relationships?

[Karl]  I think the first challenge has been to discover what God wants me to do and then realizing part of that is fulfilling his call, but part of that is just serving others and it’s not about me. I have found that other people are open and want to learn, they want to grow. Investing into them and just seeing it’s not about my own personal call, but investing  into other people and seeing how God is going to use them.  And how I get to be a part of that journey and walk with them, understanding it’s not about having power in the local church or in ministry, but having an influence that impacts the generation I’m in, but also the next generation. Some of the people I mentor are peers, are people my own age, sometimes they’ve been even a little bit older, because of their life situations and how they grew up, and sometimes they’re quite a bit younger than me, 10, 20 years younger, But it’s realizing you get to invest into somebody and they’re going to serve others, and you get to be a part of that. And it’s not about power, it’s not about, This is what God has shown me and now you need to do it so I can reach my goals. It’s more about them and their goals really.

[Phil] Exactly, yeah, I mean or not just creating yes men.

[Karl] You know I had a mentor and when I am on a video call with him,  he kept joking around saying God loves you and I have a plan for your life right, because that’s how so many people treat ministry. We talk about the love of God, but for a lot of leaders it’s all about fulfilling their own calls and purposes and not helping people mature and discover what God has for them,

[Phil] If I can just jump in, how do you not feel threatened in that? Because with a lot of leaders, you get the sense that if I open myself to others and I even share some of my failures, some of things that didn’t go well, or whatever, that they feel threatened in their own ministry or not respected. How do you deal with that?

[Karl]  I’ve noticed transparency increases trust. Just opening myself, in my own shortcomings or my own humanity, not necessarily confessing everything or just having a low self-esteem, but just openly sharing what one is going through increases the trust and my own credibility. Like when I’m talking to them about something, they know I’m not just trying to fulfill my own purposes, I’m really interested in them, walking through what God has for them.

[Phil] How do you see it now as you’re mentoring others? Are there maybe similarities or differences between, you know 25 years ago?

[Karl] Well looking at my church, we’re a very intercultural church, so we have Germans, Ukrainians, Persians, Africans, people from India, from the Caribbean and South America. I kind of focus on the common denominator and that is people’s desire for relationship, for authentic, transparent relationships, regardless if they’re a Boomer, regardless if they’re Millennial Generation, Z generation, whatever. People want relationship, they want to be taken seriously, they want transparency, living leadership without masks. Saying what leadership is really about not trying to pretend, not trying to act successful, but just living life and letting them be a part of that life. I think that’s what’s also helped my leadership, investing into others and serving leadership is living life with them actually, having them part of our life. At our house, or when I’m ministering and traveling somewhere, I’ll take them with me so that they don’t just see the stage persona, but that they also see normal life. Getting ready in prayer, getting ready, or maybe even being a little bit nervous before one gets behind the pulpit, and say, You know, let’s pray together because I’m really nervous about this sermon or about this church — it’s a different setting — and just sharing those moments with them.

[Phil] Hey listen, thanks, I know it’s late there again, but thanks for taking the time to chat. You know I think maybe I owe you one now for doing this, or maybe at least I can decrease the amount of lattes that you owe me! I’m looking forward to getting together in person next year when we meet for our CLI meetings.

[Karl] Definitely.

[Phil] Sounds good, looking forward to it.

 

The Cohort

We have discussed the content of the Guide as well as the one-on-one relationship. Another facet of this mentoring model is a cohort or small group meeting. This can help provide some external motivation and varied input for the person being mentored. Typically these are held on the alternate week to the one-on-one sessions.

Though the frequency of these meetings vary, from weekly to monthly, to be effective they should be held regularly. Whenever I personally mentor several guys at one time in an area, I meet with them as a group on the alternate week to discuss the issues. Mentorees usually find this helpful as they are able to discuss with their peers the same issues discussed in the meeting with the mentor. When we were living in Berlin my wife also then met with a group of ladies she was mentoring. Meeting as a mixed group can be helpful to gain further insights, but there are some subjects that are best discussed in a group of the same gender. Another option is leaders in a local church meeting together in a focussed  cohort or groups of students in educational settings.

Life Application

Whatever the context, the goal is to make sure that it is not a one-way dialogue or even a “teaching session.” The goal of the cohort is to facilitate discussion that leads to life application. The facilitator is more of a guide and does not need to be an expert. It can actually be a great learning experience for every participant to have each one take a turn at facilitating the discussion. The materials also include lesson plans with questions as well as other resources. The most important task of the facilitator is to create a grace filled atmosphere where participants feel free to learn from each other.

In the last couple episodes I have presented a model that we have developed to facilitate a mentoring relationship based on servant leadership values. While there are many materials on the topic of mentoring, I have found fewer that specifically help to mentor someone. Whatever wineskin you use, I would encourage you to take the initiative and begin investing in others. It will take intentionality and a plan, but well worth the effort.

Next time we will look at the different stages of mentoring that occur over a lifetime. I don’ think we ever outgrow or age-out of the opportunities to be mentored as well as being a mentor. It’s a job with built in security. We are getting to the end of our series, but in the last few episodes there is some important mattes that  I’d like to share and so I hope you’ll be able to join me.

Some Leadership Matters to Consider

But before then, I’d like to leave you a few leadership matters to consider:

In your mentoring relationship how do you implement the principles of clarifying expectation and having regular evaluation.

Why do you think boundaries are important in a mentoring relationship? Does this mitigate power-based leadership?

How does a foundation of servant leadership affect the principles of a mentoring relationship as discussed here. Why is this important?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *