Episode 11: Lifelong Mentoring

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Description

In the final few episodes of the series, Phil discusses how the stages of life that we are going through impacts both what the mentor has to offer as well as the needs of the mentoree. We all have different needs in the various stages of life and these need to be taken into consideration in order to assess what the needs of the mentoree may be in the relationship. He also outlines the various functions that a mentor can offer someone they are mentoring. These are divided into Personhood Functions and Ministry/Career Functions. To conclude the episode he summarizes the three main factors in play in determining which functions are necessary. This includes the individual’s needs, the level of interpersonal skills of both mentor and mentoree and the culture or organizational context in which the relationship is embedded.

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Video Script

Episode 11 Intro: Influences on the Mentoring Relationship

We have discussed the heart attitude necessary to be a mentor as well as some of the practics of a mentoring relationship. But how do we know what the mentoree actually needs? As we go through the stages of life how do our mentoring relationships change? How does what we offer also change? In each stage of life what are some of the functions we can offer someone we are mentoring? If we are aware of them or not, there are factors that influence the quality of our mentoring relationships and this is what we want to discuss in this episode.

Mentoring and Stages of Life

In the last few episodes we have been drilling down into some of the real practical issues of finding a mentor and being a mentor. This is from my material Developing Others 1 workshop which you can get as a free download from the links below. In our final episodes I will be discussing principles of mentoring from my Developing Others 2 workshop. It’s kind of the advanced seminar. I would typically teach this material after my initial seminar and then I would return after attendees had already begun to mentor someone. In our remaining episodes, I will introduce you to some of this material which includes, What to do when we can’t find a mentor and how can peer mentoring help you build a team. I also discuss the important issue of how to develop a culture of mentoring within our teams and organizations.

But before we get there, in this episode I would like to help you in your mentoring relationship by discussing how our stages of life impact the relationship and the various functions we can provide those that we mentor. Both of these are impacted by our organizational or church context. We began our series by asking, “If mentoring is so important, why is it not a more common way to train others in the church?” We have discussed some of the reasons up to this point, such as having a wrong definition of leadership which we’ve borrowed from the world, to a wrong understanding of what the mentoring relationship is really like. Remember, we mentioned that  it’s not just about spiritual growth, or being a parent, guru, or “spiritual father” as we defined it.

To state the obvious, as we transition through every stage of life our needs change. Early on in our life and career or ministry our needs are different than they are later in life. Understanding what these needs are will help us determine what mentoring functions we can offer someone. While we all have specific needs at certain times in our lives, it’s amazing how we tend to have similar experiences in every stage of life. Bob Biehl wrote a great book on mentoring in the mid nineties and more recently wrote a book called, Decade by Decade. He shows that in most cases, our lives are more predictable than we often think. Most of us go through similar experiences during the same stages in life.

For example, when we are in the Early Stage of development in our lives we are more concerned with issues of self and our career or early ministry. It is a period of exploration and initiation when we are establishing our identity and competence. Then during the Mid-Stage of our life we tend to re-evaluate the past and modify the present in order to reconcile our past aspirations with the current realities. There is a shift of our identity in this stage as we adjust to no longer just being a novice and we begin to grapple with the idea of what it means to have seniority.

I clearly remember this transition in my own life. When in my forties I would teach or say something and people would actually think about it and take it to heart. At first that was a bit shocking and sobering, because was still functioning as I did in my 20’s. It seemed at that time people didn’t’ take much of what I said very seriously. I could express thoughts that maybe were not quite ready for prime time, but it didn’t really matter since no one was listening to me seriously anyway! Then in my late thirties/early forties, I began to realize that I could not just spout off topics that were not clearly thought through, because people were actually listening and may even begin to act o what I was saying! Was kind of scary at first. But that is a transition we all go through.

In the Late Stage of life we begin to face the fact that our main career or ministry is coming to an end. Individuals at this stage often struggle to maintain a sense of usefulness or relevance. In my Finishing the Race podcast, which is based on my workshop materials, I go into greater depth on this topic. But as it relates to mentoring, it is usually at this stage that there is extra time and energy to be a coach and mentor – it’s never too late to begin. So we can see that in each of these stages of life the person we are mentoring has different needs and this provides varied opportunities for a mentoring relationship.

Mentoring Functions

Before the break we were looking at our needs in the various Stages of Life. But in our mentoring relationships we can also provide varied functions that will enhance the mentoree’s growth and development. To keep it simple, let’s divide these into two groups of functions: Personhood Functions and Organizational  Functions.

Personhood functions are those aspects of the relationship that enhance a sense of competence, clarity of identity and effectiveness in a professional role. These affect the individual on a personal level, building self-worth inside and outside the organization. Interpersonal relationship that fosters trust and intimacy are conducive to this type of personhood growth. Now, Organizational Functions can either be Career or Ministry orientated. These are aspects of the relationship that enhance learning the ropes and preparing for advancement in the organization. These serve to advance the individual in the organization and are usually made possible through a relationship and experience of a senior leader. Let’s look at this each of these functions in greater detail.

Personhood Functions

As I mentioned, these functions enhance a person’s identity and what it possible in their career or ministry. There are several functions that are possible and these range from being a Role Model, to Nurturing, to Counseling or even a  Friendship.

We all have certain role models in our lives. These are usually persons who are already have achieved in their lives what we aspire to. This can be an important function in the mentoring relationship.

Another Personhood function is that of a Nurturer. This occurs as the mentor supports and encourages the mentoree as they develop competence. The acceptance and confirmation that a mentor provides, helps  the mentoree develop in their personal and professional life. As the mentoree also shares personal concerns and has the opportunity to share their anxieties and fears that may be detracting from their effectiveness, the mentor provides a certain level of function as a counselor would. Remember our Triangle Diagram a couple episodes ago where we discussed the importance of Fundamental Tendencies.

A final important function is that of Friendship. While I have mentioned that the mentor/mentoree relationship is not necessarily just being a buddy, the opportunity is there for the relationship to develop more into one of mutual affection which can carry on beyond the organizational context.  In the next episode I will be detailing the phases of a mentoring relationship and how true friendship can be a natural development in some mentoring relationships. Okay, so those were some Personhood Functions, lets now turn our attention to some Organizational Functions.

Organizational Functions

In either a ministry or career context these functions can help the younger leader learn to expand their own influence. It also provides the senior person an opportunity to leave a legacy, giving them meaning as they transition to the latter stages of their life that we talked about.

The first of these is that of a Sponsor. As a sponsor we actively help a younger leader obtain ministry or career opportunities. We can help them build a reputation and gain ministry opportunities that they may not be able to normally have at that stage of their lives.

Another function is that of being a Door Opener. The mentor can help the younger leader work with more experienced leaders within the mentor’s larger spheres of influence. This helps the mentoree gain exposure to other aspects of ministry and prepares the less experienced leader with greater spheres of responsibility. Again, by coming alongside of them, we are exposing them to relationships that they are not yet part of and may still beyond their experience level.

The additional function of Coaching helps the mentoree navigate the organization, be it in the church or marketplace. This function describes how we can help the mentoree answer questions such as, “What does it take to be successful in ministry/business?” Again,  Coaching provide access to other key leaders who may still be beyond the mentoree’s sphere.

Another important function is to provide challenging opportunities to help the mentoree grow and gain a sense of accomplishment. This will help them move forward as they tackle greater challenges.

The final key function that usually only mentors who are servant leaders provide is that of Protection. The mentor can help to point out pitfalls and common errors to avoid as one begins ministry  or in the marketplace and help them navigate the relationships in the organization. This may also involve taking the blame in controversial situations in order to protect younger, weaker leader. As the stronger leader, we likely have the capital to weather such storms, whereas they don’t. So at times we may have to step to the plate on their behalf.

I introduced you to Karl a few episodes ago, who was one of the young men I mentored while living in Berlin in the early 2000s. Karl was starting out in ministry and was a youth pastor. At the time his senior pastor leveled some serious accusations regarding Karl’s motive in ministry. He then sent an email to all the ministers in Berlin making these unfounded accusations. I knew Karl and knew that it was all bogus, but this immature senior leader went public. Pretty devastating at any time, but particularly for a young leader starting out.

At the time I was recognized as a leader within the Berlin church and missions community and as someone who knew him, sent an open letter to all the leaders vouching for Karl.  Of course, as most lies, it all went away and actually this senior leader was seen for what he was and fired, but that took a couple years. But for a young leader starting out it was brutal. Providing the function of protection means that we have our mentoree’s back and use our greater influence to protect their reputation from the “Saul’s” throwing spears at them.

Three Main Factors

We have been looking at how our needs throughout the  Stages of life impact which functions are most important at any given time in a mentoring relationship. Both the mentor  and the mentoree are affected by where they are at in life and what their own concerns are regarding self, career/ministry, and family. Over time the range of functions change as the individual’s needs also change. For example, a young minister may need less coaching and more sponsorship as they develop. The level of effective communication skills also have a huge bearing on what is offered in the relationship. Can both the mentor and mentoree effectively listen, give feedback, manage conflict and competition, and so on. Another factor that impacts the level of the mentoring relationship is the person’s attitude towards authority, the opposite gender,  and their own mentoring experiences.

To summarize, there are three main factors at play in determining what functions will be provided. First, the level of the individual’s needs will determine what functions are desired, Secondly, the interpersonal skills of both parties will also have a direct impact on the range of possible functions. But there is a third factor that has a significant impact on mentoring relationships. Unfortunately, in my experience this is often overlooked. This has to do with the context or culture of the organization in which the mentoring relationships are embedded.

This has such a significant influence that I will spend the next two episodes unpacking this subject. Mentoring relationships are impacted by the kind of relationships that are valued in the organization or church, or if there a spirit of collaboration versus one of competition. What is rewarded in the organization, individualism or team? It is the answer to these questions that gets to the heart of the importance of the context of where  these mentoring relationships are embedded. For example, the level of opportunity of relationships between different levels of leadership is a important indicator regarding if mentoring relationships will be fostered and encouraged. You may not have realized the connection between organizational culture and mentoring, but that will be the focus of our discussion next time. As always, I hope you’ll join me.

Some Leadership Matters to Consider

But before then, I’d like to leave you a few leadership matters to consider:

What stage of life are you at and how does this impact the needs you have for a mentor?

How does your stage of life impact what you have to offer as a mentor?

Which of the functions listed have you been able to offer to someone else? What new areas do you see you could offer someone?

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