Episode 14: Peer Mentoring

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What do you do if you cannot find an upward mentor or if the previous generation is throwing spears at you? In previous episodes, Phil observed that existing leaders often throw spears at the next generation rather than empowering and releasing them. Using the biblical story of King Saul and David, Phil provides some insights for young leaders who may be in this situation. How does one ensure that they have a heart like David’s instead of becoming like King Saul, a threatened, insecure leader? From this Old Testament narrative, we discover that David developed his own team before he was in the palace. Phil encourages young leaders today to take a page from David’s handbook and be intentional to invest in others along the journey. This is the practice of peer mentoring, which is then continued in the next episode. The episode concludes by outlining the important subject of the four phases of mentoring relationships.

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Video Script

Episode 14 Intro: When There are No Mentors

What do we do if we are in an organization that does not encourage mentoring? Worse yet, what if we are having spears thrown at us by the very leaders who should be mentoring us? There was a young man exactly in that situation many years ago during the period when the Israelites wanted a king like the other nations. Well, they got their  king, but discovered that kings like him don’t have their best interests at heart and don’t leave a legacy – they make terrible mentors. But how can we make sure that we do not become like King Saul?

A Viable Option

Often emerging generations find themselves looking for someone to mentor them, but discover that the previous generation is too busy or too threatened.  What is the answer for an emerging generation that wants to be mentored, but cannot find those who will be willing to mentor them? The lack of those from previous generations willing, or able, to be mentors, is why peer mentoring can be a viable — and often the only — alternative.

Peer mentoring is often the only option, particularly when there is a lack of leaders willing to be mentors. Let’s revisit the story from 1 Samuel of King Saul and the young David. As we saw in Episode Four, the people wanted a king like the other nations and so even against God’s objections, they got what they thought they wanted. But we see that as Saul aged, instead of mentoring the next generation, he tried to pin him to the palace wall with a spear…. and yes if you are wondering, this is usually fatal.

As I have taught on this subject in many different cultures I have consistently had young leaders share a similar story as they would talk to me after the session. I can now pick them out of a crowd. They all had that same fearful yet hopeful look in their eyes, a hesitancy that one gets by looking over one’s shoulder, wondering where the next spear is coming from. These are classic indicators of young leaders who are dodging spears thrown by leaders they thought they could trust. They had signed up for leadership, but were now in a “palace” that was controlled by leader who had no interest in helping  them fulfill their calling.

Dodging Spears

Young David was in such a situation. Remember he had just killed the main enemy of the country, a giant of a man. And this did not go unnoticed by the songwriters of the day. They had written a catchy little number that had two verses.  Now the first verse of the song really appealed to the narcissism in King Saul. It went something like, “Saul has killed his thousands!” Has a nice ring to it, what’s not to like about that. But then – wait for it – there was a second verse. Same tune, different words: “And David has killed his tens of thousands!” Ya, that didn’t go over too well with King. Power driven leaders don’t like sharing the limelight. My guess is that the song writers never ran that by Saul first, not sure what happened to them. But we do know that Saul got predictably angry, which may explain all the yelling and spear throwing. Imagine, he was the king for 40 years and yet was threatened by an young upstart. Pretty sad. It’s unfortunate isn’t it that this still happens today, yes, even in the church.

A couple things I’ve learned that I tell young leaders from this story. First thing, never  throw the spears back. Having killed a bear, lion and a giant, do you not think David could have skewered an aged King Saul to the wall? Probably, likely. But if he would have done this, the story we know would be quite different. Instead of becoming a leader after God’s own heart, he would have become like King Saul. We reproduce who we are. There are some people who you don’t want to allow to mentor you. Who they are will rub off on us. Opening our hearts to the King Saul’s in our lives will mean being mentored in how not to be a leader. It’s a tough test for an ambitious young leader.

Not My Kingdom

David never did become a leader after the pattern of King Saul. How do we know that? Well years later when David is an older man, his own son tries to take the kingdom from him. As a young leader David resisted taking the throne by force and in his old age he was not willing to keep the throne by force. Unlike Saul, he fled the city and would not raise his hand against Absalom. As a younger leader I kind of thought this was rather weak look for David. “Come on David, stand up for what is right!” But David knew that the kingdom was not his to own or to fight for. He was merely a steward of it. At his heart he was a worshiper and knew he could go back to that. His identity did not rest in his position, track record or title as king. Imagine if we all held our positions and ministries that loosely.

Young David was willing to wait for God’s timing. He was called, but God still had some preparation to do in this life. This is the second thing I tell young leaders. You may be gifted and called, but do you have enough character to sustain your gifting at this point. It’s important to wait for God’s timing. But what did David do while he was waiting for God’s plan to unfold?  (If you can get your hands on a great little classic book by Gene Edwards, A Tale of Three Kings, it will be one of the most thought provoking books you’ll read on leadership.)

In 1 Samuel 22, we find a David running for his life from his potential mentor, the King. Not a pretty picture. But it was in the desert and the caves that God taught him many valuable lessons. It says in verse two that all those that were in distress, or in debt, or discontented gathered around him.” Great  team eh? Try that out next Sunday, “Hey we are going to start a small group of leadership training, but we only want those who are distressed, in debt of discontented to join.” Many will likely sign up. And that is exactly what David had to work with. I would suggest that as they were living, eating and running together David was mentoring them. They saw what he did when he could have killed Saul on several occasions, but did not. I am sure they even heard him pour out his heart as he sang his psalms.

Developing a Team

So years later when David later stepped into his role as king of the nation, from where did he populate his top government positions? Well I know it was not from the existing experienced politicians who had been around Saul….because their heads had already been detached from their bodies. No, it was from these same men that had been with David in the trenches. In those years of running he had developed his own team, way before there were  any palace perks to offer. It was these men who were in distress and debt that one day became known as “David’s mighty men of valor.” Unlike Saul, David’s band of brothers had been mentored with a different set of values. Peer mentoring, like this, can be a powerful tool as we develop others to form a team so that we can together fulfill God’s purposes.

So, to begin with,  I tell these shaken, often insecure young leaders to not throw the spears back. Secondly, to wait for God’s time and thirdly, while they are doing that, develop others even if they seem unlikely leaders now. One day they may be the very ones who are part of our core support network. This is the power of peer mentoring. This biblical account is a ray of hope for us if we find ourselves either alone, or having to run from a leader who is narcissistic and an egomaniac, intent of keeping us in your place. To do this we have to find those who share our values and these will likely be peers who we can develop and run the race with.

Now there are times, that we have to get out of Saul’s palace. This may not be an easy decision but it is not necessary godly to stay in an unhealthy situation. On one hand we don’t want to run from what God wants to use to make us into the leaders he wants us to be. But on the other hand, there are times to re-evaluate our situation and make a change in order to run the race with those who share our values.

Phases of a Mentoring Relationship

Next episode, I will spend a bit of time exploring the peer mentoring relationship. But before we do that, I need to spend a few moments to explain the Four Phases that all mentoring relationships go through. To try to maintain this type of mentoring relationship at an intense level forever becomes counterproductive  for it can lead to one person controlling another and this will cause frustration in the other person. Relationships like this become unhealthy. To receive the full benefit of a mentoring relationship we have to plan for a healthy separation.

Mentoring relationships provide various functions for both the mentor and the mentoree. Healthy mentoring relationships need to transition into one of four types of a peer relationship. But for this to occur, we need to understand the four stages through which all mentoring relationships progress. These are: Initiation, Cultivation, Separation, and Redefinition.

Initiation Phase

Initiation Phase is the first predictable phase of the mentoring relationship. This may last from a few weeks to several months and is the time when the relationship becomes important to both individuals. During this phase, motivation is high and expectations of what each party wants from the relationship are strongest.

Cultivation Phase

The Cultivation Phase is the second and last the  longest. It is the time in which the mentoree benefits the most from the mentoring relationship and the relationship is generally seen as positive with the fewest conflicts and uncertainty. This is when the growth occurs. This period can last from a year to several years. As the bond develops, the mentor is able to provide guidance in both ministry and personal functions as we have been looking at.

Separation Phase

Now the Separation Phase is third and often overlooked necessary phase of the relationship. As the mentoree grows and gains more confidence, there inevitably emerges a change in the dynamics of the relationship. It is a period of change which signals the ending of the relationship as it currently is. This transition can be damaging to both parties, particularly if it is not anticipated and prepared for. During the separation phase the mentoree typically assumes greater independence and autonomy, which normally will lead to a reassessment of the relationship. But if we don’t prepare for this, it can lead to misunderstanding and harm the development of the emerging leader.

Opinions vary regarding this, but it is my view that these intense mentoring relationships should have a limited duration and transition to slightly different type of relationship. If we try to maintain them at an intensive level forever, they can become destructive for they begin to no longer meet the needs of the individual. Within a Christian context, it is the failure to understand this dynamic that can perpetuates the unhealthy approach of “fathering” as a model for mentoring.

Redefinition Phase

The separation phase then leads to the fourth phase, Redefinition. Most mentoring relationships develop into peer relationships during this phase. It is at this point that the relationship can take on even more meaning and purpose. From an intensive mentoring relationship, often a friendship is formed. This leads to several options of peer mentoring that we will look at. Healthy, intensive mentoring relationships will naturally go through the above four phases. To the degree that we do not fully appreciate this, is the degree to which we will not be prepared to make the necessary transitions as the mentoring relationship begins to change.

While the duration of each of these phases will vary, the general progression through each of them is rather predictable and important to consider. As a mentoree grows and becomes more autonomous, he no longer looks to the mentor for the same kind of guidance and support he or she used to. Intensive mentoring relationships seem to have a lifespan and so the question becomes what happens after such a relationship. My experience has been that one person can usually not sustain this level of relationship with another over a lifetime. This is why we have multiple, varied mentors at any given point in our lives.

So to keep the relationship healthy, during the reevaluation phase, the choice should be made to embark on more of a peer relationship.  These peer relationships offer some of the same functions as other mentoring relationships and in most cases are more available. Peer mentorship can be a viable alternative if upward mentors are not available. As with other mentoring, though, there are many types and levels of peer mentoring. Yet they are available at every life stage. They can last decades, rather than the intensive mentoring relationship, which tends to last for only a maximum of several years.

As we saw earlier, these mentoring functions can be divided into Personhood Functions and Ministry/ career functions. This is also the case with peer mentoring. Personhood functions include emotional affirmation for each other as we share our perspectives, values and beliefs through the various stages of life. They also provide support as we listen and counsel each other through transitions and stress. Some even progress beyond work related issues and become a personal friendship.

The Ministry or Career functions of a peer mentoring relationship include sharing information with each other regarding how to navigate ministry, organizations and so on. In this context we can discuss and learn from each other’s spheres of responsibility and ministry. It provides the opportunity for feedback concerning ministry-related matters that help to clarify our own strengths and weaknesses.

In this episode I have suggested that peer mention is a viable option if someone cannot find an upward mentor. This can provide us hope if we are in organization that is not conducive to mentoring relationships.  Having introduced the phases of a mentoring relationship, in the next episode I want to provide a few more thoughts regarding peer mentoring. I hope you’ll join me.

 Some Leadership Matters to Consider

But before then, I’d like to leave you a few leadership matters to consider:

Have you been dodging spears? What have you learned from David’s example?

Do you have peer mentors? How would you describe what you receive/give in these types of relationships?

Considering the phases of a mentoring relationship, do you struggle with the need to separate and redefine the relationship?

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