Episode 15: Throw ’em the Keys

Video

Description

Continuing from the previous episode, Phil continues his teaching on the four phases of mentoring relationships and how an understanding of this dynamic leads to healthy peer mentoring. The key to the four phases of a mentoring relationship is understanding that a separation is necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. The separation phase is a time to redefine the relationship. This redefinition stage leads to several levels of peer mentors, from mere contact, to close, to confidants. He describes each of these and what some of the factors are that determine what level of peer mentoring can be expected after a more intensive mentoring relationship. Using examples from his own life and ministry he illustrates how these close intimate mentoring relationships need to transition to a new type of peer relationship as the mentoree grows and develops.

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Video Script

Episode 15 Intro: Redefining the Relationship

In our last episode we discovered that upward mentoring relationships have a shelf life, so we need to be prepared to transition the relationship into more of  a peer mentoring one. This will require an intentional separation and redefinition of the relationship. Failing to do so will be unhealthy for both the mentor and the mentoree. In this episode in the series, we will conclude our discussion on peer mentoring by asking, “What determines what level of peer relationship will develop?” and “What are the options possible for a peer mentoring relationship?”

 Breaking Up is Good to Do

Even if one has been fortunate enough to have an upward mentoring relationship, it will eventually need to transition into a peer mentoring one. The nature and purpose of the mentoring relationship, as well as how complementary both parties felt the relationship was, are strong indicators as to the success of the transition to a peer relationship.  The type of peer mentoring relationship that will develop is dependent upon many variables. Peer mentoring provides many of the same benefits as other mentoring relationships, but there are also certain additional benefits. One advantage is that each party can be both the mentor and the mentoree at the same time. It is also the case that peer mentors are usually more available in each stage of life and ministry.

“Throw me the Keys!”

The Four Phases of a mentoring relationship that we looked at highlight the importance of preparing to redefine the relationship. Perhaps I can illustrate it this way. I don’t know if you have ever taught someone to drive a car, but if not I am sure you can relate from having become a driver yourself. I remember first teaching our daughter to drive while still living in Berlin.

Like many, we first began by driving around parking lots. She eventually progressed to the road and was able to go pass her driving test. What happens the first weekend after she gets her license? Let’s assume she comes to me and says, “Hey Dad I want to go out this Friday, can I have the keys to the car.” Well, you see I am still thinking old phase and so I say, “Sorry I am busy, I won’t be able to go.” She then states the obvious. “I don’t want you to go, Dad, I want to go with my friends. All I need is your car!”

Well my hands might get clammy, my blood may run cold as I realize a serious flaw in my plan in assisting her to get her licence. I hadn’t connected the dots that this meant my “little” girl was going to be out there on the dangerous roads in a metal weapon on four wheels all by herself. But wasn’t that the very reason for her to have a licence in the first place? So that she can drive a vehicle independently on her own?  So now all I need to do is “Throw her the keys.” Now, at that point, I can fumble around in the my pocket and mumble something about, Sorry, I don’t know where the keys are, you’ll have to stay here were it is nice and safe.” Well if you’ve had kids, you know how good that will go over!

At some point in the mentoring relationship, our mentoree is going to ask the equivalent of “Throw me the keys.” We will then have a choice to make. If it was about control we will hang on to them and not allow the natural separation and redefinition phase of the relationship take place. Is not the whole point of the mentoring relationship to equip them in order to release them? If we understand this separation phase as healthy, then we will not fight it or fight them. We will take the initiative to redefine the relationship, just like we do with adult children. This is the flaw of the spiritual fathering model that seeks to hang on and keep someone under our control. The reality is that they will eventually get someone to throw them the keys. If we don’t, someone else will and we will no longer have any influence in their lives. At that point we’ll wish we had given them our keys. We can be part of the transition or force them to tear away from us. Those are the only really two options.

Back to my driving analogy.  Let’s assume my daughter went on to become a famous driver on the Formula 1 circuit, obviously becoming a very proficient, famous driver. So I invite some buddies over on a Saturday night to watch her on TV. When she wins the race that takes the trophy, what do you think will go through my mind? Will I be thinking, “Who does she think she is, driving faster than me? And by the way, when she took the trophy, she did not even mention my name, and I taught her how to drive!” No, of course not! I am more likely going to brag to my buddies, “Yup, that’s my girl, taught her everything she knows!” Okay the last part may not be totally true, but I am going to be proud of her and take as much credit as I can!

Isn’t that what we should do with those that we mentor? We should be proud when they surpass us, when they go beyond what we were able to do. The last thing we should be doing is trying to hold them back. Yet, you and I know that this unfortunately happens all the time with threatened, insecure leaders. Part of this is due to wrong leadership values and a wrong understanding of the mentoring relationship.

Peer Mentoring Continuum

Not only is life a marathon, but it would seem this series is also become a marathon! Thanks for coming along for the ride. If your eyes are glazing over keeping track of the material, why not download the free workshop notes by following the link in the description box or on the website as was just mentioned. It is all organized and easy to follow and best of all its free. You might also want to share this info with someone else.

As we saw last time through the story of King Saul, , even if we can’t find a mentor, we can take a page from David’s playbook. We can develop our own team that can potentially walk the rest of the journey of life and ministry with us. Referring back to our diagram, in the redefinition phase of a mentoring relationship, the relationship can transition to three different types of peer relationships.  After a healthy separation both of us need to discover what new form the relationship will take. Let’s look at three levels or types of peer mentors: Contact, Close or Confidant. These range from the lowest level of commitment to the highest level.

The Contact Peer demands little time and provides information regarding organization and ministry/career. There is typically limited personal experience shared and generally provides perspective related to ministry or work. Since there is limited trust there is minimal personal feedback. On the other hand, the Close Peer begins to share direct and honest feedback and there is more self-disclosure. There is more trust and self-expression. Since there are moderate levels of trust, there are widening boundaries of sharing. However, there is still limited exploration of family and work issues. In a lifetime most people usually only two to four such relationships.

Now the Confidant Peer is equivalent to a best friend where there is a strong sense of bonding with a wide range of support for family and ministry/work issues. One is most vulnerable in this relationship and free to share dilemmas, both personal and professional. We are the most open to share who we really are at this level, as it has the greatest self-disclosure and self-expression. These relationships are rare and we usually only have one or two of such relationship in our lifetime. While these type of relationships are resilient, they take great effort and years to develop. It’s important to note though that relationships that begin as Contact peers can develop into Close or Confidant relationships over time.

But what determines the movement along the continuum from Contact to Confidant? What are some of the factors at play in this happening? Do we have control in this process? Well, yes and no. As with other mentoring relationships, the needs of the individual affect the movement of the peer relationship from Contact to Confidant. Stages of life is also a factor. During the earlier stages of life and ministry the needs are different than for someone in the later stages of life and ministry.

Besides ministry/career needs, the level of intimacy of the other relationships in one’s life also determines how close the peer relationship will become, as does the level of interpersonal skills impact how quickly the relationship will develop along the continuum. Another factor which we have also previously discussed is the culture of the group of which we are a part. Are we part of a structure, or wineskin, that encourages or discourages the development of these types of relationships?

If throughout the relationship there has been a strong bond that has been mutually beneficial, then there is a high likelihood that the peer relationship will be in the range of close or confidant on the continuum. If there has been less of a connection and little chemistry, then it is most likely that the relationship will transition into merely that of an acquaintance with only occasional future interaction, what I am calling a contact peer.

For example, I have mentored many young men over the years. I have lost contact with some of them, while others like Karl have become part of our team and I consider them close friends and colleagues. As a peer mentor, I learn from him and others on the team. To be honest, I am getting the better end of the deal, as I gain more from them that I give to them. These relationships, many in our MCNetwork,  have been one of the greatest blessings in my life.

Peers and Life Stages

Throughout the various stages of our life, peer relationships can meet different needs and offer varied functions. Let me just briefly go over these. You can refer to the chart on the screen.

Our 20’s are generally considered the Establishment Stage of our life. During this season, the Contact Peer provides info as to how to learn the ropes of navigating life. A Close Peer typically focuses on the need to get ahead and develop a professional identity. They are peers, but we are still in some way “looking up” to them. The Confidant Peer is more rare. They can help us to develop a sense of competence so there is still a certain amount of looking up to a peer for guidance.

Now during the Advancement Stage in our late 20’s & 30’s, the Contact Peer provides help in advancing in ministry opportunity and increased visibility. The Close Peer assists with opportunities and feedback , while the Confidant helps with dealing with family and work dilemmas. The level of commitment is such that they can provide help in progressing in one’s life potential.

During the Middle Stage of life, in our 40’s and 50’s, the Contact Peer is not as important as most of the peer relationships are younger at this point. Those in this stage generally are reworking old issues and learning new ways to approach life and ministry; beginning to depend on others to accomplish the tasks and ministries. Close Peers during this stage can provide valuable feedback in how to mentor others as well as teach how to be coaches. Confidant Peer have a greater trust and so can help at a personhood level, managing fears of obsolescence and the reassessment and redirection that may need to occur.

Yes, we still need peer mentors during  the Late Life Stage, which is typically in our 60’s and beyond. Contact Peers can help by providing information to help us stay connected with the church/organization so that we remain effective.  A Close Peer assists the person in this stage of life transition to a consultative role and pass on responsibilities to colleagues. Confidants have a unique role to play by providing emotional support and help in the preparation for retirement. Confidant peer relationships are rare, but essential during this stage.

Understanding these dynamics can help us remain healthy and productive throughout our entire life. Of course there are other factors, but our relationships are an extremely important factor in a successful, fulfilling life. Since many will not be able to find an upward mentoring relationship, the only option may  be to develop peer relationships that fulfill these needs in our lives.

In our last episode I will wrap up this series and provide a few more thoughts on developing your relational network. This is something you likely may never have thought of, but doing a relational inventory could change the trajectory of your relationships as you run your race. I’ve enjoyed our times together sharing these principles and some of my stories. Hope you’ll join me for the wrap up next time.

Some Leadership Matters to Consider

But before then, I’d like to leave you a few leadership matters to consider:

What has been your experience in releasing or not releasing those you have been mentoring?

In what ways will the principle of separation and redefining help you in your mentoring relationships?

What kind of peer mentoring relationship do you have? What steps could you take to foster new ones?

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