Description

In this seventh episode in the Mentoring Intelligence Series, Phil shares some of the pitfalls and misunderstandings of what a mentoring relationship should include. He makes a distinction between discipleship – which ideally should be a relationship to help someone grow spiritually in their faith — and the term mentoring, which he uses to describe a relationship to help someone grow in their capacity as a leader. It includes spiritual growth, but also includes the development of the whole person. A wrong understanding of leadership, and past excesses and errors, have at times meant that others have used these types of relationship to control others and see them as a means to reach their vision. He also explains that mentoring is not about having to be perfect, a professional teacher or counsellor, nor is it a misguided spiritual fathering type of relationship. This means that in some way we all can be a mentor for someone.

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Video Script

Episode 7 Intro: The Problem with “Spiritual Fathering”

In this episode we will focus our attention on making a distinction between the goals of a mentoring relationship and discipling someone in the faith. The term discipleship has become kind of fuzzy in its meaning and so we will define what it really is and how it differs from the goal of mentoring. Another potential area of confusion is the misconception that mentoring is the same as Spiritual Fathering. Let’s look at what guardrails or boundaries are needed so that mentoring relationships don’t go sideways.

The Discipleship Movement

As I had mentioned at the beginning of our series, my spiritual roots were deeply impacted by the discipleship movement of the 1970s. It was through the lives of those leading Genesis, a discipleship school in California, that I realize the ministry was about relationship and our life message. Life message means there is congruency between my personal life and what I preach to others. None of us are perfect in this, but this has been the lens through which I have viewed ministry ever since. At the time, this included accountability and disciplines, but I was fortunate that I was enrolled in a school that had a balanced approach.

Unfortunately, this was not necessarily the case for all. Some in the discipleship movement liked the feeling of controlling others and even used a superior spirituality to manipulate and make their disciples dependent upon them. If you were from that era, like me you could probably name names and may  even have a few scars to prove it.

Discipleship more than Teaching Doctrines

I believe these excesses and false teaching on the fringes of the movement, then and now, have made most churches want to steer clear from accountable discipling relationship. So in the last 50 years, discipleship and discipling has been reduced to  teaching a church member the doctrines of the church, often in something like a new members class. Nothing necessarily wrong with this, but discipling in the first century Rabbinic model was so much more.

Others did not see Jesus as just a guy aimlessly walking around the roads of Galilee, he would have been seen in the Jewish pattern of a rabbi. When he asked his disciples, to “follow me” he was confirming this rabbinic pattern where usually a rabbi would identify a few disciples to come and follow their teachings and lifestyle. In Matt. 28, he tells his disciples to then go and do the same – go and make disciples of all nations of all people groups. By the way, we were never commanded to make converts, but to make disciples. There is a difference. And this is not just for the professionals, but for all of us.

Discipleship About Life Transformation

The first century discipleship model was never about just information, but life transformation. The English word “disciple” comes from the Latin word “discipulus” which means pupil or learner and it corresponds to the New Testament Greek word “mathetes.” Being a follower of a Rabbi had a much broader application than just an academic or intellectual learning though, it had to do with life application.

The attempt to rediscover this first century discipleship with its focus on life change and transformation some fifty years ago had its flaws. For those of us close to ground zero, it was pretty intense. I can remember getting up by 3:30 AM to do my hours of prayer, bible meditation and other spiritual disciples, which included meeting with my disciple and small group applications, before going to morning classes with people like Winkie Pratney, Juan Carlos Ortiz. Like I said, I am thankful that I was not part of what in some circles almost became cult like. Due to those extremes, many distanced themselves and, as often happens, lost the benefits in the process. I believe this is why it was safer to just make discipleship a doctrinal class for new members.

But I do not believe this is a flaw in the rabbinic concept of discipleship, but rather a misapplication of accountable  relationships. As we have seen in the last few episodes, without the right heart attitude of servanthood, we will naturally control and use others to elevate our own spirituality, rather than humbly serve them. This of course is not limited to discipleship, but happens in many other relationships in the Body, which is why Jesus emphasized how the relationship in the Body were to be different from those in the world.

Since discipleship has become such a loaded (often negative) word, carrying varied meanings, I like to use the term “mentoring.” In many ways it carries a wider meaning, and is not as loaded a word in church circles. But at the same time does not contradict the biblical discipling process. Particularly in other countries and languages this has been helpful, as I have been able to infuse it with a more accurate meaning what for many was a new term.

A Rabbinic Model

I would make the case that the discipleship that Jesus practiced was a personal relationship that affected the disciple’s entire life. However, for the reasons I have outlined, it has taken on a different meaning. It usually means getting information, focusing on spiritual growth and knowing the facts about the faith. Mentoring, in our use of the term here, includes spiritual growth of course, but also encompasses every aspect of a person’s life. And to be effective, as Jesus was with his disciples, it requires an accountable relationship – walking together with someone.

Mentoring Includes Whole Person Development

So mentoring includes spiritual growth, but does not end there. It also should include helping someone deal with issues arising from those  fundamental tendencies, helping them grow as a leader and then have the tools to go and do the same with others. As you can see from the diagram, Evangelism produces believers – though as I mentioned this was never our initial mandate, our goal was to produce disciples. But I would suggest it does not end there. To help a follower of Jesus understand their giftings and place in the Body someone needs to then come alongside of them and mentor them. This is a relational process to help develop the leadership potential in others. I believe Jesus did both. It is not either/or but both/and. So for our purposes, discipleship is helping someone grow in the faith – hopefully through a personal relationship – and mentoring is helping someone grow in their Kingdom impact, again, through a personal relationship.

The focus is on self-discovery and creating a trusting relationship, to help someone take practical steps to establish new life and ministry patterns. In order to not create a co-dependent, or unhealthy, controlling relationship certain guardrails need to be in place. The obvious one, of course, is a commitment to the characteristics that we discussed in our last episode. If we don’t function in leadership according to Kingdom principles, the mentoring/discipling relationship will inevitably be unhealthy and even destructive.

Guardrails in the Mentoring Relationship

Understanding some of the other guardrails can also help us better define the kind of mentoring relationship we are talking about. Being a mentor does not mean having the type of relationship that a parent would have with their small child.  Though the mentor may have more experience in certain areas, treating an adult mentoree as a small child only creates dependence and eventually resentment – never turn out well. This approach actually will stifle leadership development, the opposite of what we are trying to do.

Not About Control

The mentor never has a right  to control or make decisions for the mentoree. This is different than what we saw in the Shepherding Movement of the 1970s. What became rather cultish was leaders who felt really spiritual and made their disciples dependent upon them for every decision such as who they were to marry and every other life choice. This may build the leader’s ego, but creates dependence on a person, not Christ. As we mentor someone we are to be helping them make good decisions based upon their own relationship with Jesus.

The mentoring model I am discussing here is more of an older brother or sister relationship. It is based upon mutual respect, rather than being a mother or father to someone, regardless of how much older or more experience the mentor may have. None of us likes the feeling of someone controlling us and making decisions for us, so why do we do this with others? We are to make other dependent on Christ, not us.

Not About Being Perfect

Another misconception is that a mentor needs to be perfect in order to mentor someone else. But as we have already discussed, vulnerability, not perfection, is required. Big difference. Not understanding this I think scares many people away from mentoring someone. We just have to be open and authentic – of course if we have the wrong idea about leadership we won’t do this. Leaders who function with Jesus’ Kingdom values have no reason to feel threatened, because they are not trying to convince people of their superior spirituality or perfection. We are free to be just who we are. Counter-intuitively, this actually produces respect. Authenticity with others actually means they will respect us more, not less.

The greater the respect in the relationship the greater will be the commitment. The greater the commitment the greater the mutual accountability. And the greater the accountability the greater the growth in the mentoree’s life. The focus is on helping someone mature and grow. This does not mean that you have to have all the answers, you are more a resource person directing them to the right contacts, ideas, resources etc. Ultimately, the mentoree must take final responsibility for their own growth.

Not Being Professional Teacher/Counsellor

I think another misconception is that to be a mentor means that you have to be like a professional teacher or counselor. While the mentoring process may include aspects of these functions, neither of these is the primary task of the mentor. Again, as mentors we are just those who walk alongside of someone as a resource person and guide them in the areas of growth they want and need, with the goal of helping them reach their personal and professional goals.

Another hindrance to mentoring is to think that we have to wait until we are old or older before we can mentor someone. But you don’t have to wait until you are an elder sage or matriarch before you pass on to others what you have learned. Of course the mentor needs to have a certain level of maturity and experience in the area that the mentoree want to learn, but having an older brother/sister model opens up the mentoring process to all of us.

Not Being a Spiritual Father

Actually, having a spiritual fathering model actually works counter to the mentoring model which I am suggesting. Typically in nature we only have one father and so this is a bit of a problematic metaphor when applied to mentoring. The reality is that we all need several types of mentors, not just one person as a father figure signifies. Having just one such person in our lives lends itself to dependency and abuse. I would suggest that, unlike mentoring, the fathering model is not reproducible in the long run.

One key passage from the Apostle Paul’s writing is often used to validate the concept of spiritual fathering. But I would suggest that has taken on a meaning never intended by him or by any leader in first century church. A few years ago, I was teaching on this subject  in a country in west Africa and an older pastor stood up and said, “Oh yes, mentoring, we have been doing that for years, but here we call in spiritual fathering.” By looking at the younger faces in the crowd and talking to a few of them afterwards, I realized that their meaning was quite different than mine. Instead of feeling empowered and released, the younger leaders felt that they better stay in their place, and were only going to be able to use their gifts when they were much older. For now they carried the bag and washed the car of their spiritual father. Sounded a lot closer to the old Shepherding heresy, than mentoring based on biblical values. What you call it is not that important, you can even use the term “mentoring” or “discipling” to control others if we don’t understand servant leadership.

Paul’s Understanding of “Spiritual Fathering”

So what was Paul meaning? The verse often used to rationalize this approach is 1 Cor. 4:15, “Even though you have ten thousand teachers [guardians] in Christ you do not have many fathers, for in Christ Jesus I became your father through the gospel.” Yet the context in that chapter of Paul’s remarks are that of a servant leader. In the previous fourteen verses, he outlines for the readers that they are to regard leaders as “servants of Christ.” Does not sound very top down does it? In dealing with the Corinthians, who were elevating some people in the Body over others, in verses 6-7 he asks them “How are you different than anyone else and so why should you boast if even I nor Apollus do?” Hmmm, good point Paul.

In classic Pauline irony, in vs. 8, he exclaims that it seemed that they were already reigning in the Kingdom, but without him and the other leaders, but he sure wishes they could lead with them! Paul knew it was hard to be full of oneself  lead while taking up one’s cross.  “Want to be a leader in the Kingdom,” he seems to say, “then join us in the end of the parade, become a fool for Christ, become weak, dishonored,” then he lays it on real heavy, become “scum of the earth, garbage of the world!” Okay Paul may not have been the master of the understatement, but does this sound like the elevated “spiritual fathering” we see in some circles? I think not.  I told my friends in Africa, as I have in other places, if your definition of fathering is what Paul is describing here before verse 15, carry on, but by the fruit I could tell it wasn’t. Actually what Paul is describing sounds a lot more like the kind of mentoring that we have been talking about.

Paul Did Not Contradict Jesus’ Teaching

Paul  was to be imitated as a servant, not as a lord or boss. Spiritual Fathering or whatever you call it, can come to mean more of a controlling type of relationship where a person has one “father” who guides them in the faith and, at worst, controls their decisions, at best functions as a personal lackey. The “spiritual children” of these relationships often do not feel free and released in ministry. This was obviously not Paul’s intention as it would have contradicted Jesus’ teaching. From his many other writings it is clear that he was willing to lay down his position, ministry, and even life, in order to serve others in humility.

But due to our fallen nature, even with the best of intentions, a fathering relationship often deteriorates into a top-down one where older leaders hold back the next generation. The Corinthian passage has sometimes been taken out of context and used to control others and keep them under the authority of their “spiritual father.” As we have previously discussed, Jesus addresses the core issue of the source of our authority in Matt. 23:8-12. He taught that we have only one Father and are not to call anyone on earth “father.”  The disciples were to be brothers and sisters. Oh ya, and then as their leader, he washed their feet.

Mutual Submission in Body of Christ

He affirms that all believers are to be equal servants. The title and position is not important, but rather having the attitude of Christ. Confronting our propensity for position and power, he sums it up this way, “the greatest among you will be your servant.” Position (however godly-sounding the titles) was never to be lorded over others. My experience has been that much of the teaching of “spiritual fathering” violates this principle. An older brother/sister model seems to me to better reflect Jesus’ attitude in Matt 23 as this produces life in others as they are directed to Christ, not to the person mentoring them.

A Brother/Sister Model

It allows the mentoring process to be more accessible to both mentors and mentoree, not just those who are considered seasoned leaders who are of a more “fatherly” age. It also allows for multiple mentors simultaneously, which we all need. An elder brother/sister model communicates a more accurate representation of a healthy mentoring model, where someone comes alongside of someone on the same journey, rather than an aloof expert who has all the answers.

My hope is that you see that each of us can be a mentor regardless of our age. Even if you are a teen or young adult there are always those who you can positively influence. On the other hand, the beauty of mentoring is that we never have to retire from mentoring others. We can offer this gift to others for as long as God gives us breath. In our next couple episodes I am going to provide some practical suggestions for both the mentor and mentoree in finding and guiding and mentoring relationship. As always, I hope you’ll join me.

Some Leadership Matters to Consider

But before then, I’d like to leave you a few leadership matters to consider:

In your ministry or life, does discipling others include life transformation or merely transferring knowledge?

How do you think having a misguided spiritual fathering approach hinders life-giving mentoring relationships?

What are some of the important guardrails that you have put in place in order to keep your mentoring relationships healthy?