Description

This episode provides some practical suggestions for the mentoring relationship. We all can influence others, but often don’t know how to begin or how to maintain a healthy mentoring relationship. How often should we meet? What will we talk about? What are some of the boundaries necessary in the relationship? Phil also interviews Karl, who was one of the first young men that went through the mentoring model he developed in the early 2000s in Berlin, Germany. All these years later he is now a pastor, father of four and committed to a servant leadership model and mentoring the next generation. The goal of this episode is to encourage you to take the initiative to be a mentor to someone regardless if you are in a position of leadership or not.

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Video Script

Episode 8 Intro: Suggestions for a Mentor

We’ve been seeing that in Jesus’ upside down Kingdom the relationships are based on mutual submission and serving one another. Even those with leadership giftings and influence are to serve with humility not lord position and power over one another. I have made the point that this is foundational to a life-giving mentoring relationship. But how does this practically apply in our lives as a mentor and being mentored? How does this influence the relationship?

Making the Connection

This may be your first episode or you may have been with us for the whole series, but either way it’s great to be back with you again. This is Episode 8 and we want to focus on some suggestions for you as a mentor.  As I have previously mentioned, my experience has been that there are many more people who want a mentor than are willing to be a mentor to someone. My goal is to help you see that you have what it takes to be a mentor. This will not only benefit someone else, but will enrich your life in the process.

If we really want to be a leader like Jesus called us to be, then I would encourage all of us to consider taking the initiative and coming alongside of someone to help them grow and develop. The best way to serve someone is to forget about ourselves and help them to reach the goals and purpose God has for them.

But where do we start? The first thing that has to happen, of course, is that we need to connect with someone or choose someone to mentor. How do we do that? While there may be many people within our sphere that want mentoring, it is time intensive and so we can’t mentor everyone. Choices have to be made. For example, over the years I have discovered that there is a certain type of person attracted to my style of mentoring. This most likely has to do with my own history and experiences, likely my giftings and personality and so on. It’s likely going to be the same for you. We will not connect with everyone and that is just natural.

So to begin, it is helpful to identify those around us that have similar values to us and who we could imagine spending time with. There has to be a certain synergy or it is likely over the long haul the relationship will not end well. But just because we are not the best fit to mentor a particular person, it does not mean that there is not someone else that could be a fit for them. Remember, we all need a variety of mentors in our lives at any given time. But there has to be a mutual respect and we need to do our best so that the mentoree does not feel intimidated by us, which is why we need to take a servant posture rather than a spiritual giant or guru attitude.

Some Key Questions to Ask

So who is in your sphere of influence that you could spend some time with and see them grow in their leadership capacity? Well some of the questions that I ask myself in this process are, “Are the self-motivated?” Remember, we cannot change anyone, we can only create conditions for them to grow. Also, “Are they teachable  and willing to learn and grow?” “Do I see indications that they are motivated to make changes in their life?” And as I mentioned, “Can I imagine spending time with them and enjoying their company?” Considering these question can be helpful in determining who to spend our time with in a mentoring relationship.

As we identify someone to mentor, the next step is to actually approach them. It would be kind of intimidating and actually a violation of the servant leader attitude to say, “In my great wisdom, I would like to be YOUR mentor.” Kind of saying, “I would like to be the Holy Spirit, in your life. You are so lucky to have me!”  Of course we wouldn’t say that in words, but sometimes our actions could be interpreted as such.  I find that a more helpful approach is to say something like, “You know I see some great potential in you (you can list something specific) and I was wondering if you would be interesting in spending some time with me. I think I could help you grow in this area or that area” I actually don’t even use the word, “mentor, ” which can be intimidating.  With this approach, I have never  had someone say, “Nah, that’s a dumb idea!” Remember, many want to be mentored, but far fewer don’t know how to start. You taking the initiative could be a huge impact in their life.

A Personal Example

When we were living as a family in Berlin in the early 2000 I was asked by a fellow missionary to develop some materials to help train some of his young leaders. My initial notes eventually became the Mentoring thru Intentional Relationships Guide. It was right around that time that I met a young man, who was in his early twenties and new to Berlin. I first met him at a Berlin ministerial meeting and as most young men, myself included, it was clear that he had a lot more answers than questions. While us old wizened missionaries smiled that knowing smile of, “give him a few months or years in the hard spiritual soil of Berlin will temper his enthusiasm.” Very encouraging, right?

I went home after the meeting, kind of glad I would likely not run into him much as we were in different parts of the city. But imagine my surprise when over the next few days, I began to get that unsettling feeling that God may want me to spend some time with this young man. You know the feeling you get when you know God wants you to do something you don’t really want to do. I kind of resisted, but fortunately for me, I gave in. If not I may have missed one of the great blessings in my life. You see this young man’s name is Karl and some twenty-five years later he is still part of our ministry network and is a good friend and colleague.

So I asked Karl if he would like to meet together. We began meeting every second Friday at a local coffee shop and began to discuss the twelve themes or chapters of the Guide I had developed. These were topics that I felt would be helpful to discuss with any young leader.  Since those early days as a young twenty something, Karl has gotten married, has four children – one nearly a teenager and is pastoring a church plant in what was eastern Germany. He has also travelled around the world with our teaching team since then. Yet I nearly missed out on all that by not seeing past his youth to his potential. Mentoring is about recognizing that someone has greater potential than where they currently may be at. And then helping them achieve that potential.

An Interview with Karl

Recently I had a chat with Karl and I think you’ll find my conversation with him interesting:

[Phil]Well thanks for taking the time Karl to share a few moments with our podcast listeners it seems like it was just yesterday we were meeting for coffee every Friday, or was it every second Friday I can’t remember?

[Karl] Every second Friday, yeah

[Phil]Course there was lots of coffee and lots of countries under the bridge since then of course me, but uh hey what do you remember about those days?

[Karl] The excitement of learning something new, that that was part of it. I remember I always had the train ride to our meeting and me being a little bit spontaneous, I would sometimes be reading the material on the way.

[Phil] Don’t tell me that don’t tell me that!

[Karl] Well the thing is I was always putting it in a context of I was experiencing.  I was a young leader at the time in my mid 20s and just that expectation of learning something about myself on how to grow, how to be the leader I want to be kind of be when I grow up, You know one’s own shortcomings as a leader and realizing there’s a path I need to take to get to where I want to go. I felt on my way over, when we were meeting, a lot of the topics we were talking about were about things that would help me, not just be a man but be the leader I wanted to be and be the leader I feel God has called me to be.

[Phil] Yeah I kind of joke you know my hesitancy, you’ve heard story as we’ve taught about this in different parts of the world about how I kind of joke about my hesitancy to meet you and mentoring initially. But what was your perspective on that or how did you kind of process that. I didn’t think I was that old, but probably to you here’s the old guy and what is he doing wanting to meet with me.

[Karl] Yeah I mean I did think you were an old guy, but then I realized now I’m your age when you mentored me or when our relationship started.

[Phil] That’s what 25 years will do!

[Karl] Exactly, I definitely don’t feel like the old guy and yet actually, just last week, I was in a cafe and a girl served me and said, “Oh, you’re Pastor Karl aren’t you?” And I’m like yeah. “Oh you’re my youth pastor’s mentor!” And I’m like, Oh man, like these are the things that make you feel really old right?  But how did I process that? How did I see it? I guess I was honored to be asked, that somebody wanted to invest in me, that somebody would take the time and, man I hate to say this, but at the same time, in the assurance of the call of God, I felt like thank you Lord that you see me and there’s somebody there for me. It was a confirmation, it’s a confirmation of the call that somebody is going to invest in you, and partially in humility partially hey that’s part of who I am. And in my carnality, yeah of course you’re investing into me I’m a great guy!

[Phil]  Well we all need that affirmation right? There’s enough things kicking us down and I think especially in the ministry and I think, what a gift. Now you’re experiencing that same gift right in your ministry, giving to others and so what’s your perspective now as you’re able to invest in other lives around you?

[Karl]  I love it, it’s I think part of me, it’s one of the greatest things in ministry to be able to invest into other people, on one hand expecting nothing in return, but just seeing people grow, seeing people’s gratitude, seeing people step into what God’s called them to do. When people call back in the middle of a crisis, talk to me with what they’re going through, their gratitude, their expression of gratitude and expressing, Hey I wouldn’t have made it without you. And again it’s not about trying to put it on me, that I’m thinking, You know, that’s right you never would have made it without me. That not it at all, it’s more I am so glad I get to be a part of your life I get to be with on that journey, because the people you impact, the people’s lives that you change, I never would have gotten to them. It’s a different generation, but you get to minister to them and I get to be a part of that through you and I I love that part of ministry, just expanding your influence, expanding I guess yes the authority the spiritual authority. But not in the sense of, you know of power, but in the sense of my reach of who God has called me to be is greater than what I expected, or the people I have just in front of me, it goes beyond that.

[Phil] Yeah and you know we talk about how it’s very important in our ministries to have those relationships and to invest in others and yet it’s never an emergency, right? If you’re not intentional it won’t happen and the series we’ve looking at that. And I think you know for you and the rest of us in the Ministry Coaching Network around the world that we’re engaged with and who share these same values.  I mean we’ve all realized that if we don’t do it, others may not realize it for a while, maybe five years ten years, but eventually not investing in others then, we don’t leave a legacy if we don’t invest in others.  I know there’s a time difference here between you now and the West Coast here, where you are there close to Berlin there and so it must be getting a little late there, so maybe I’ll let you go. Thanks again for taking the time and by the way, I think you owe me about 42 lattes, I don’t know how many it was, but I lost track! But I I think you probably owe me a few.

[Karl] Ya, one for or two for each chapter!

 

Determine Expectations

As we conclude our episode, perhaps I could also include a few other practical suggestions that have been helpful for me over the years. From the very beginning, it is important to establish the parameters of the relationship, identifying what we have to offer and what the mentoree is looking for. This also involves discussing expectations for the relationship. This is important, for as in any relationship, unspoken expectations can sabotage the process.

As we’ve emphasized, this type of mentoring  relationship has a specific goal, personal growth and change. Since it is intense, I find it helpful to initially commit for a certain time period, say 3 months or 6 months. This of course can be extended, but it is better to be realistic than to overcommit and not be able to follow through. The initial important matter is to understand what areas the mentoree wants to grow. The challenge is to keep the relationship fresh and not stagnating, which is why I find it helpful to regularly evaluate if it is fulfilling our purpose.

Of course, this means that the mentor has to have a clear understanding of what they have to offer. As I mentioned earlier I have noticed that a certain type of person typically is drawn to my mentoring style. This usually has to do with what they perceive I can offer them from my life experience, training and type of ministry I am involved in and so on. Each one of us are a particularly unique package. To be an effective mentor we have to take some time to reflect on who we are and what we have to offer someone. The better we know ourselves, the better we will be able to serve someone we are mentoring.

Who can you Mentor?

So we have to be honest with ourselves and the mentoree as to what we have to offer them. In a later episode we will look in greater depth at the various functions we can offer someone, but remember that we do not need to be an expert in every area. Just take the pressure off, we are not the only person or even the only mentor in a mentoree’s life – as we have discussed we do not have to perfect, a mini Holy Spirit or some spiritual giant or guru. Perhaps it’s easier to think of ourselves as an older brother/sister or even a peer coming alongside of them to help them grow in their personal and professional life. The reality is that we all have the potential to mentor a variety of people in our lifetime.

But as with many journey’s in life, the first step is often the most difficult. But I would encourage you to take the initiative. Even if you did not receive leadership this way or even if you have never had a mentor, you can mentor someone else. My hope is that this series will give you some of the tools as well as the motivation to take the initiative and see those around you with new eyes. Eyes that see the potential in others and how you can serve them by guiding them as they  fulfill the dreams and goals that God has given them. Leadership and ministry in the Body is a team sport, we need each other to get there.

As we invest in others, we will be able to one day look back with amazement at what God was able to do through our simple efforts of coming alongside of those looking for a mentor. Actually, that’s what it means to leave a legacy – the legacy is people. After all, that is all that is going to be carried forward into eternity. Everything else – titles, positions, accomplishments – all that is going to be left behind as wood, hay and stubble.

In our next episode, I will be providing some suggestion as to how to approach someone who you consider could be one of your mentors and then I’ll describe a mentoring model many of those in our Ministry Coaching Network  have been using for years. I’m looking forward to it and hope you’ll join me.

Some Leadership Matters to Consider

But before then, I’d like to leave you a few leadership matters to consider:

Can you think of someone within your sphere of influence that you could invest some time in?

Considering your giftings, personality, life stage and ministry experience, what could you offer a potential mentoree?

Using the principles from this series, are you prepared to take the intuitive and mentor those that God puts in your path?