

Episode 9: Finding a Mentor
Video
Description
While the last episode focused on being a mentor, in this episode Phil provides some suggestions as to how we can find a mentor. He makes the point that we all need a variety of mentors throughout our lives. What kind of questions should we ask ourselves in terms of finding a mentor? Questions such as, Who seems interested in me and my growth? Who do I see that I would like to emulate their values and life qualities? The reality is that most of us will have to approach someone, as most people, even leaders, do not feel qualified to be a mentor. The episode wraps up with Phil presenting the Mentoring Model designed to help guide a mentoring relationship. This begins by outlining the contents of the Mentoring thru Intentional Relationships guides which are available for purchase on the website.
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Video Script
Episode 9 Intro: Suggestions for a Mentoree
The unfortunate reality is that in most cases the person wanting to be mentored will have to approach a potential mentor. While this is a reality, it should not discourage us in our quest to find someone who can help us move ahead in our life and ministry. So what are some of the key questions we need to ask ourselves in finding a mentor? And what is the best way to actually approach someone who could be our mentor? I would also like to then share a model that has been assisting many leaders as they mentor others.
Key Questions
As with finding someone to mentor, there are several questions that can be helpful to identify a mentor. To begin with we need to make a list of those who are relationally closest to us. With these individuals in mind consider the following questions: Who do I already know who shows an interest in me? Who seems interested in my growth? Can I imagine this person committing themselves to me? Are they someone that I see as a model? What do I admire about them? Do I want to develop these same qualities in my life and ministry? Are they someone who will be humble and willing to be transparent with me?
Of course there are certain people you don’t want to mentor you. Some, like a King Saul of old, only have a model of power and position –that’s all that they have to offer. Actually, if we spend too much time with them it is likely that we will become like them – after all, like it or not, we reproduce we are. So if we want to be a servant leader, we need to find leaders that share those values. Remember, we are not looking for someone who is perfect, but someone who is walking out their lives and influencing others with humility. Walking the walk, not just talking the talk.
Feeling Unqualified
The fact is that most potential mentors do not feel qualified or capable of mentoring someone, regardless of their position or accomplishments. Most have never been mentored themselves and so don’t know where to start. As we saw in Episode 2 they were just dumped in the deep end. They may even have a misguided idea of what mentoring actually involves. Again, since you are not looking for a spiritual father or all knowing guru, I find it best to approach someone more casually and ask them if they would consider spending some time with you. It’s important to let them know that you see qualities in them that you would like to learn from.
I know this level of intentionality in our relationships is not typical and at first can seem a bit awkward, but remember we are looking for a specific type of relationship that is going to help us move forward in our life and ministry. In order to mitigate some of the potential weirdness, I like to frame the conversation more like this. Instead of saying “Would you be my ONLY mentor,” a better approach is, “Would you consider being ONE of my mentors.” We all should have several mentors in our life at any given time. I actually don’t even use the term “mentoring,” just in case that raises barriers in their mind.
Expectations of the Relationship
When it comes to expectations, it’s important to remember that the role of a mentor in our life is not to make our decisions for us. Only we can take the steps to grow and develop. We are not in the role of a small child with a parent – regardless of the age difference between us. The goal is that they will provide accountability to help us grow in the areas that we need and want to grow. Also I should add that the mentor is not a best friend or buddy. Yes there should be friendship, but their main role is for them to challenge us to grow — and sometimes that is not always so easy.
Blind Obedience not Required
There are also a few practical matters that may be helpful to mention at this point. The mentor is giving up of their valuable time to spend time with us and so we should be appreciate of their time and efforts and never monopolize our mentor’s time. The greatest motivation for a mentor is to see their mentoree growing and developing. So if we miss scheduled meetings and do not follow through with learning activities, it is likely that our mentor will not be too motivated to continue. This is also why it is important to communicate the areas that we want to grow in. The beauty of such a relationship is that it is targeted and focused, so it facilitates the greatest growth in the shortest amount of time.
As we discussed in previous episodes, a mentor is not the Holy Spirit in our life, or a spiritual giant with the goal that we must obey their every word. This is the fallacy of the spiritual fathering model which I talked about in Episode 7 which creates a dependence on a person rather than on Christ. Having said that, when disagreements arise, it is always important to be respectful, it is possible to disagree agreeably. By the way, it is never appropriate to increase our own ministry through the contacts of our mentor without their permission. It is also never okay to build our sphere of influence at the expense of our mentor’s ministry. Finally, if significant, unresolved differences do arise, it is best to peacefully end the mentoring relationship – without belittling or talking negatively to others about it.
A Mentoring Model: A New Wineskin
Since many have not been mentored, they don’t really know where to begin. Sure we meet once and get to know each other, but then what do we talk about in our other meetings. It is for this reason that I wrote the Mentoring thru Intentional Relationships Guide, the content of which I will like to spend a few moments here to describe.
Models or structures are important, particularly for something like a relationship that can be someone abstract. For example, I have been married over forty years. In our marriage series I somewhat jokingly say that I am a survivor not an expert. As we know, the wedding is easy, it’s the marriage that takes work. But in order to maintain a healthy relationship we have to have certain guardrails in place and patterns or structures in our schedule and lives to keep the relationship healthy. It just does not happen due to good intentions and years spent together.
In the same way, I have found that we need a structure or model for a mentoring relationship to be healthy. However, these wineskins, the term Jesus used, must remain flexible. In our marriage we have certain regular activities or patterns to keep the love alive, but over forty years these have changed and adapted as we grow personally and together. Our love today is not the same as it was in year one or year twenty, or even ten years ago, it changes.
There are three aspects of this mentoring model designed to help a person be a mentor or be mentored. These include: 1. The Connection – A one-on-one relationship; 2. The Content – the two Guides; and 3. The Cohort – a small accountability group. When I first put this together some twenty-five years ago in the early 2000s, I was just trying to create some notes to share with a group of young Christian leaders in Berlin. I had an outline of what I wanted to discuss with a young leader to help them see who they were, what biblical leadership was, and what their role was in fulfilling Jesus’ mandate to the Church.
Purpose of the Mentoring Guides
The purpose of the Mentoring Guide is to provide some direction for the mentoring relationship. Often, even leaders, don’t know where to start or don’t have the time to develop an outline for the regular mentoring sessions. As in our marriage, I may want to keep the love alive, but I have to move beyond good intentions and create space in my schedule to do things that foster that marriage relationship. That takes, time, effort and knowledge.
Using these materials can help someone kickstart their mentoring relationships. It is just a beginning, though if you have nothing else it can be significant. In one way, it is like training wheels on a bicycle. Remember those? They usually attach to the back frame of the bike and made sure you did not fall down and hurt yourself while you were learning to balance on two wheels, which seemed impossible at first.
Not sure if you ever used them, but the purpose is not to keep them on forever. As your bike riding skill increased, you eventually took them off. These Guides started as just my notes, and so it was a bit of a surprise that others were interested. Now they are in several languages and being used by many around the world. If you’ve watched multiple episodes, you are probably tired of hearing them presented in the middle of every podcast, but that’s what fast forward is for!
So while they provide a basic outline for the mentor, they also provide a mentoree with a reason to approach someone and say, “You know, I see some qualities in your life I would like to develop in my own. I know you are busy, but I’ve come across this Guide and if you could give me a few hours every couple weeks, I would like to discuss the concepts outlined in the manual.” Kind of takes the pressure off of a potential mentor to develop their own material or have a detailed plan before mentoring someone. However, it does not limit them from using their own supplemental materials and so on as the training wheels come off.
There are two Guides, and each guide has two Sections with three chapters in each section, for a total of twelve chapters in all. The first Guide has two Sections discussing issues related to us as a Person and a Disciple. While some work their way through the materials, one chapter per month for a total of a year, it often takes a bit longer than that.
Guide 1 Overview
Guide 1 begins by discussing three areas of our personhood: Our Personality, our Giftings, and our Calling. These are rather fundamental to who we are and several assessments are provided to help the mentoree discover these aspects of themselves.
Using a simplified DISC assessment the mentoree will discover their basic personality, but we don’t take the approach that puts people in boxes or resigns them to being victims of their personality. Rather it help them see their default style and how they can learn to adapt and grow depending upon the situation. The Gift assessment then takes an approach of looking at our personal desires and motivations and what we have already been interested in doing, in determining what our likely gift set may be. Finally, in this first section, we provide a tool to help someone discover potential ministry involvements based upon their personal calling.
The Second Section also includes three chapter discussing the fundamentals of Personal Disciplines such Bible reading and study, as well Bible Meditation and Prayer, journaling and some of the Church community disciplines. The second chapter in the section focuses on three challenging areas that have historically tripped up leaders: Money, Sex, Power. We don’t have to have a lot of money to have a problem with our attitude towards money. I know materialistic poor people and selfless rich people. Jesus taught that the real issue was that our attitude towards money was directly related to our trust and relationship with Him.
Besides their approach to financial matters, another area I discuss with a potential leader is the area of sexuality. From these topics you are likely beginning to see why this must be a trusting confidential relationship. We often shy away from talking about these areas, which is why we see situations in the church like we saw with my analogy of Bob the musician in Episode 6. If we are honest, we all need the help an accountable relationship can provide in these areas. To finish well we all must establish life disciplines in our personal life.
However, this is not a legalistic, pull yourself up by your bootstraps approach. Living out the disciplines in our lives must be seasoned with grace, because none of us are perfect. This is why it is so important for the mentor to be vulnerable and share how they personally dealt with temptations in these areas. What a valuable gift we can offer to someone. It can help them understand that they are not alone and that God has always used broken, imperfect people, not those who have necessarily have it all together and “kept the law since birth.” Besides the issues arising from Money and Sexuality, this chapter also deals with our understanding and use of Power. Why do we want influence others? What will we do with that influence and authority? Have we allowed God to break us of our pride and selfishness? As you can see, this material is more than just a nice little bible study, it deals with deep life issues.
The final chapter in this section, covers the rather abstract idea of how we perceive God’s direction in our lives. What does it mean to be led of God? How do we live a life of faith without falling into the ditch of extremes. On one side, we can over-spiritualize our relationship with Him so that we don’t value gaining wisdom and making our own decisions, and on the other side is the ditch of undervaluing God’s leading in our lives through his indwelling Holy Spirit. This is an important balance for all of us, but particularly those who are going to serve the Body of Christ by teaching others.
Not all are Willing
The layout of these materials naturally lends themselves to evaluating how things are going every three chapter or three months or so. Our experience over the last few decades is that the materials have a way of identifying those who are serious in their desire to grow in their capacity as a leader. I believe we all have the potential to be a leader – influence others – but not everyone is willing to put the work in and pay the price to a be a leader. We do not have control over how much influence we ultimately will have, only God knows that, but we can all increase and grow from where we are to where he wants to take us.
So what typically happens is that not everyone who completes Guide 1 – the first six chapters – continues with Guide 2. And that is okay, actually it’s the way it should work. It’s designed to weed out the men from the boys so to speak. Building on the foundation of Guide 1, Guide 2 transitions to discussing the mentoree as a Leader and Minister. Again, each of these sections have three chapters for a total of six chapters. But not everyone we mentor will be able or want to continue on. We may have seen great potential in someone, but what we cannot see from the outside is their motivation, or their willingness to pay the price to serve others, and so on. This will likely be evident as we spend time with them.
If this turns out to be the case, at this point I have a conversation that sounds kind of like this. I’ll say something like, “Maybe w should just take a break at this point and we can circle back in the future when life is less crazy, or when you are ready to continue.” My goal is to give them a way out without making them feel like a failure. It’s good to remember that God is not finished with them. It may be just that he needs to do some remedial work in their lives before they are ready to carry on considering leadership and God’s plan for their lives. By not be judgemental and regularly evaluating the relationship I provide an off-ramp that preserves the relationship so future onramps remain open.
Guide 2 Overview
For those who want to carry on, in the first three chapters under the Leader Section, we discuss the principles of Kingdom leadership, based on a servant model, some of which has been introduced in this series. As a potential leader it is also important for them to learn how to grow themselves. What I mean is that instead of relying on other’s materials, sermons etc, a leader of others needs to learn how to connect with God and hear from him themselves. I also introduce the importance of them developing others, introducing principles of mentoring so that they are well equipped to develop their own teams and be effective in the Body of Christ.
Then in the final three chapters of Guide 2 we focus on them as a Minister. This covers topics related to their service and calling in the Body of Christ. It begins with helping them analyze their own heart and why they want to do ministry. This is essential to one day finishing the race well. We then take a overview of God’s heart for the world and what he has been up to throughout history. The purpose of this is to help the mentoree discover their part in his big plan. Finally, the last chapter discusses how God’s mission applies to the local church and what ministry is all about.
The Real Goal
The goal of the Guide is to help the mentoree put together their understanding of their personality and giftings, as well as motivations, passions and calling with a life of spiritual disciplines in order to be a positive influence with those around them, either as a Christian leader within the marketplace or more specifically within the Church. Each chapter is designed with content as well as discussion and mentoring questions in the margins. Typically the mentoree reads the chapter and answers the questions and then during the mentoring session, discusses issues with the mentor. As a mentor I tend to focus on the issues they are dealing with, rather than just “getting through the material.” The emphasis and questions discussed vary depending upon where the mentoree is at and what is going on in their lives. But the goal is always life transformation not just downloading information.
This model has helped many convert the good intention of mentoring into tangible action. In our next episode, we will look at a few more issues relating to the personal relationship and then discuss the third leg in the stool of this model: a small group cohort. I think you’ll find it helpful and hope you’ll join me.
Some Leadership Matters to Consider
But before then, I’d like to leave you a few leadership matters to consider:
Can you think of someone within your sphere of influence that may be interested in spending regular time with you?
Take some time to consider in what areas you want to grow in your personal and ministry life.
Do you have an action plan or method to facilitate mentoring within your ministry? What is it?